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  The imp opened his mouth and spoke with a raspy, ear-grating voice. "My name is Kraznik, not imp. Screw you, ya vanilla piece of trash code! I just killed that other jerk. Keep it up, and I’ll kill you too! I’ve had it up to here with both fairies and imps! You’re all the same. Do this, do that, and what’s the reward I get? 2 pieces of copper? 20 experience points? Well screw that, you Cortana wannabe! I don’t need to do your slave tasks for next to nothing! You better leave before I get my wolves to gobble up your sorry pink chew-toy of a body!"

  Alright, not the best first impression, but this was actually working to Gitch’s favor. The ‘master’ was dead, leaving only the player. Players were much more gullible.

  "I have been charged by the high fairy counsel to seek out the imp who has taken residence among the wolves of this cave. Your valiant actions have not gone unnoticed, and I have come to offer advanced quests more befitting your status and reputation. I can attest that you will be most pleased with the rewards.

  Before I offer these advanced quests, however, we will require proof of your severing ties with the imp race. Do you pledge to serve the fairies loyally and so forsake the imps of this land forever more?” Gitch asked in the most solemn voice he could muster.

  "Yes! Oh, hell yes! Screw those imp bastards, long live fairies! I just... never mind. What are my new quests? What kind of rewards are we talking about here?" the imp asked pointedly. It was obvious he could care less about allegiances, like most players.

  Congratulations! You have learned the skill: Diplomacy

  Even a troll can talk at somebody, but it takes a shrewd thinker to sway a man. A true diplomat uses his charisma, reputation, and environment to bend others to his will.

  +2% chance to persuade your target.

  Gitch was positively giddy, but he had to be careful not to let his emotions show. "Your words speak true, but we require deed as well as word. Go and bring forth three items of value as a token of your good faith to my kind. Then, and only then, will you receive your new quests. I might add, these quests come with some exceptional rewards. You would be the envy of all who gazed upon you. Will you honor your pledge to serve the fairies?"

  ‘Quest’ Requested: In Good Faith

  You have tasked Kraznik the imp to provide you with three items of value in exchange for favor of the fairies of this forest, as well as promises of future high-value quests. Beware lest he discover your treachery!

  This was the moment he had been building towards. The imp’s greed and pride would be his downfall. Gitch figured there was probably only junk stored in the den, but he had requested three items just to be sure. He knew without a doubt his weapon would be released back into his care. Sure, maybe this was a little unethical, but he would rather have a weapon to defend himself should things go south, than, you know, not have a weapon to defend himself and die. He was a man-fairy of logic after all.

  For the first time since making his proclamation, Kraznik looked hesitant. Gitch could tell he really didn’t want to hand over any of his valuable possessions, but he didn’t have much of a choice. The imps seemed to have excommunicated him, and any fairy NPCs had likely attacked him solely on principal. Gitch’s quest was too good to pass up. It was a chance to get back in the good graces of one of the prominent races of the Dufflin Forest. How could he refuse?

  "I accept, fairy man. I have a few items back in the cave that I will need to go and grab for you. Give me just a minute."

  ‘Quest’ accepted!

  You have gained +3% experience gain for 12 hours

  Total experience gain: 103%

  Congratulations! Dubious Missioneer has increased to level 2!

  Daily quest limit increased to 2

  Congratulations! Diplomacy has increased to level 2!

  +4% chance to persuade

  The imp scampered off without missing a beat. As soon as he was back inside the cave and safely beyond earshot, Gitch turned and laughed. This was fun! Sure, he didn’t want to get into a habit of screwing with good, decent folk, but this guy came off as a total bag.

  Dwik came up closer to him and whispered, "That was somethin’ I would pay to see again! That little booger has it comin’ to be sure, but I hope ya have a plan for when he discovers you ain’t got the power to grant super powerful quests, and you sure as hell don’t have the authority to speak on behalf of all fairies. What ya gonna do?" Dwik asked with concern.

  "Well, there is always the poop option!" Gitch said with a wink.

  Dwik looked horrified. He made a strange gesture with his thumb and ring finger as he muttered some unintelligible prayer. Dwik returned to his post shortly after, and they all kept a careful eye on the cave opening. Soon enough, the imp came hopping back out dragging a small sack that looked to be ripping at the seams.

  "This is all I got. I figure in a gesture of good faith, I can dump it and allow you choice of three items. Seem fair?"

  Ha, boy does it!

  "Thank you for your generosity, Kraznik. It will not go unnoticed. Please let me see what is in the sack."

  The imp upended his sack and let the items fall where they may. Most of it was indeed junk. There was a pretty looking gem, some chalk, a bandolier that looked pretty B.A., a vial of something brown, a fair amount of lint and yellow rocks, flowers and other plants, gloop fruit, several empty canisters, and a-GLOOP FRUIT! It took all of his will power to refrain from digging into the delicious fruit. Tearing his eyes away from the beautiful sight, he found the last item in the pile. A pair of tweezers. Noticeably missing was the weapon Dwik spoke of... unless it was the tweezers. Oh god, don’t let it be the tweezers!

  He then remembered Dwik had thrown the weapon for a bit of wolf fetch and no self-respecting wolf would mistake tweezers for a perfectly crunchy stick. He looked at the imp’s face, but it was unreadable. He looked over at Dwik, who gave a tiny shake of his head. The weapon was not there.

  "This is a fine assortment, however, one of your wolves was telling me of an interesting weapon that was discovered recently. Do you still have it? May I see it?" he asked innocently.

  Kraznik glared daggers at the wolf pack, all of whom seemingly found their front paws in need of careful inspection. With a strained smile, he looked back up at Gitch, answering him through gritted teeth. "Oops, silly me. I must have left that back in the cave. Just another minute."

  He shuffled back to the entrance, a little less enthusiastically this time around. He appeared to be muttering to himself as well, but he was true to his word. This time. He came back out holding a weapon that certainly seemed out of place in the middle of a forest.

  "Is that a trident?" Gitch asked to no one in particular. He thought he might receive a sword or dagger, but this just seemed off. Weren’t tridents used by mermaids or sea creatures? The staff was a tree-bark silver, with etched charcoal symbols running up the length of the staff. The spikes each shone a leafy-green, with the lead spike half again as long as the other two. Each point also jutted outward, presumably to cause additional bleeding damage upon removal. All told, the trident stood nearly as tall as Gitch and looked truly awesome.

  Between the excitement of the gloop fruit and finding his weapon, Gitch very nearly lost his composure. There was a hunger in his eyes, and his stomach, that would have made the imp start to question the whole affair had Kraznik been looking at him. Instead, the imp was looking longingly at the weapon, knowing full well he would be relinquishing it over to the fairy. He gently set the weapon on the ground near the pile of miscellaneous items.

  Gitch touched down for the first time since their meeting and strode over to the pile. Kraznik had backed away to allow him to rifle through the objects at his leisure, but he could tell the imp was keeping a watchful eye on him. No way was the fairy taking more than the three agreed upon items.

  Gitch examined the cool looking bandolier, but knew it would never fit his tiny frame. The imp was twice as large as him and the bandolier appeared custom fit. Oh well.

  H
e picked up the vial holding the murky brown substance. He had no idea what it contained, but he also didn’t want to come across as foolish, so he just gave it a thoughtful nod as he set it back down. He peeked inside the canisters, just to make sure they were all empty. They were. He tossed the lint and rocks aside. He had no interest in these, though they did give off a very distinct smell. There was definitely some sulfur within each of the rocks. What in the world was he doing carrying sulfur around? Whatever, just something to ask later. Now was not the time. Gitch looked at the pale gem next. It certainly wasn’t a diamond, but it was probably worth something at least. He set it aside for his ‘keep’ pile. He looked at the tweezers to see if there were any immediate magical qualities that would stand out. He flipped it on end looking it over carefully. After a few seconds, he heard the imp snort behind him.

  "Stupid hillbilly NPCs. So backwards they don’t even know what tweezers are."

  Feeling just a tad embarrassed, he slowly put the object down. He didn’t touch the fruit. He didn’t think he would be able to stop himself if he did. He walked over to the trident as his stomach growled its displeasure.

  The weapon was masterfully crafted and warm to the touch. He was by no means an expert, but it felt perfectly balanced when he held it upright. As he poured over the strange symbols, a notification appeared in front of him.

  Trident of Dufflin

  Soul bound to: Kraznik the imp

  Durability: 75/100

  Base damage: 15 points

  Bleed damage: 3-5 points per second.

  Bleed duration: 10 seconds

  Additional weapon characteristics:

  + 5% chance for critical hit

  + 5% critical hit damage

  + 5% flight speed

  Now that’s a weapon! He wasn’t surprised with the reduced durability, seeing how it had been used as a chew-toy not that long ago. The rest of the weapon stats were amazing! He had to remember to thank Lily for sending such an awesome weapon when he saw her next; right after cursing her for his piss poor luck score and lack of starting knowledge.

  He stood back up and beckoned the imp over. "This weapon... I suppose I will take it. If you would be so kind as to transfer ownership to me? I see it is currently soul bound to you, which just won’t do. Along with the weapon, I will be taking the gem and purple fruit. The rest you can, of course, keep."

  He was feeling noble. Not the courageous, goody-goody, ‘I am going to give you my share of the loot type of noble’. No, more like he was a king and teaching a greedy trader a hard lesson in respect and common decency. It felt good knowing he was doing his part to put one more douchebag in his place. Every little bit helps!

  Kraznik slowly walked over and picked up the trident. In an annoyed voice he asked, “What’s your name again?”

  “It’s Gitch...” He said, a little peeved.

  "I, Kraznik, imp of the Dufflin Forest, do hereby relinquish the Trident of Dufflin to Gitch, fairy of the Dufflin Forest. Let it be so." The trident glowed black in his hands, right before he tossed it at the anxious fairy. Gitch caught the weapon by the staff, and it likewise started to glow pink. This lasted only a few seconds, but he didn’t really care. He had a weapon! Not some stupid sewing needle, but an actual weapon!

  Quest Completed: A Most Fetching Weapon

  While most would have slain the imp outright, you chose a different path. Through the use of new friends, strategic planning, and good old fashion trickery you have managed to obtain the weapon discarded by your illustrious greeter.

  Reward:

  258 (250) experience points

  Trident of Dufflin

  While he was busy ‘oohing’ and ‘aahing’ over his new toy, Kraznik was inching closer. When he was standing directly behind the fairy, he finally spoke up. "Yeah, she’s a beauty. Ever seen anything like it?" he asked nonchalantly.

  Gitch didn’t even look up, so enthralled by the beautiful weapon in his hands. "No, can’t say that I have," he replied back honestly. He was admiring the spikes, when something hard struck him on the side of the head.

  CRITICAL HIT!

  YOU HAVE SUFFERED 24 PHYSICAL DAMAGE!

  The blow knocked him off his feet. What the hell? Gitch looked over at Dwik, who had his sling raised. Why had the gnome struck him? Jerk!

  He then saw the stone still resting in the sling’s pouch, and Dwik was looking worriedly about him. Each of the wolves was now barring their teeth at the gnome and fairy. Well, that answered that question.

  "You little insect prick! You didn’t think I would catch on to your little trick? That is the weapon used by every freaking fairy in this blasted forest! But you wouldn’t know that, would you? Player! I should just have my wolves eat you now! What do you have to say to that, Gitch?!" he spat out vehemently.

  Well... frick. He didn’t really know what to say to that. He could probably take the imp one on one. He didn’t know his level, but Gitch had the actual weapon. No, the problem was the wolves. He shot an angry look at Alpha who was growling back at him. Upon seeing his glare, the wolf looked down slightly. In a low voice, Alpha said, "I’M SORRY GITCH FAIRY, BUT YOU DID NOT DEFEAT NEW MASTER, SO YOU NOT MASTER. I DO WHAT MASTER SAYS. YES! YES!"

  Gitch nodded at her. He couldn’t really fault the wolf, though it still stung their friendship was so easily thrown aside. He looked at Dwik in shame. Gitch would respawn, but he couldn’t say the same for the gnome. Not seeing a way out, he whispered, "I am sorry, my friend."

  Dwik was acting very strangely, given the circumstances. He was sniffing the air and wiggling his nose, all the while giving Gitch a rather meaningful look. Gitch just stared in confusion. He didn’t smell anything, and there was a bit of a situation brewing if Dwik hadn’t noticed. What a weird way to spend his final moments.

  He cocked his head and shrugged his shoulders back at Dwik. The gnome just looked back at Gitch like he was the twonkiest of twonks before making a squatting motion, purposely glancing at the imp. That’s when it finally clicked! He was saving this particular ability for douche bags, and the imp certainly fit the bill.

  Gitch looked back at the imp with an evil smile. There was newfound fear and confusion in Kraznik’s eyes. Good. He didn’t know the implications, but he could tell something was definitely wrong. For the first time, the imp unfurled its massive wings and flew up into the air. By the look of it, he was trying to distance himself prior to letting loose his wolves on the pair. Gitch had other ideas. He lifted his finger at Kraznik and shouted loudly, "Troll turd!"

  The imp fell like a... well, exactly like a turd falling through the air. He hit the ground with a loud splat, bits of filth flying everywhere. The fall was self-inflicted in a way, plus he hadn’t yet flown too high up. That was probably why the imp did not transform back into his happy, go-lucky self, even though he had likely taken some damage upon crashing into the ground.

  Whereas Dwik had appeared as a sort of beautiful glowing piece of dragon dung, Kraznik was just one solid log of grey. It wasn’t quite as smelly, but still really gross.

  Congratulations! You have learned a new excrement: Troll Turd

  Your target will experience the following:

  Increased health regeneration while in excrement form

  High chance of turning to stone if exposed to direct sunlight. This will prolong the duration of enchantment by three hours

  Victim will instinctually seek out a dark place to hide for 12 hours upon returning to natural form

  Surrounding enemies have a small chance of losing all sense of smell, taste, or sight due to the pungent odor.

  Congratulations! Transmorph has increased to level 2!

  Cooldown reduced to 23 hours, 45 minutes

  +1% spell duration

  Those were some pretty awesome perks, but Gitch didn’t have a whole lot of time to celebrate. The imp threat was gone for the time being, but he now had five wolves to deal with. He turned to face them, ready for a fight.

  Chapter 13


  The wolves were not so prepared. In fact, their previous aggression had all but vanished. No longer were they bent down and snarling at the frightened pair. Instead, they looked confused and a bit disgusted. A few went to sniff Kraznik, but Alpha remained to address Gitch.

  "GITCH FAIRY, WHAT DO WE DO? MASTER SAYS TO GROWL AND MAKE YOU SO SCARED YOU MAKE WATER. HE SAY BE READY TO EAT YOUR FACE OFF, BUT HE DID NOT SAY TO DO IT UNTIL HE GIVE ORDER! YES! THAT IS WHAT HE SAID! HE DID. BUT NO GIVE ORDER YET! NO! NO! WHAT DO YOU THINK? SHOULD WE EAT YOUR FACE OR WAIT TO SEE WHAT MASTER SAYS?"

  "Do not eat us!" Gitch shouted back hurriedly. I have disabled your master. Does that not make me your new master?"

  The wolf pawed its face in confusion. "I DO NOT KNOW, GITCH FAIRY! WHEN I KILL RABBIT, IT DOES END UP LOOKING LIKE THAT.” She pointed her nose at the imp turd. "BUT I DID NOT SEE YOU SLAY HIM. NO! I DID NOT! BUT THERE IS A WAY TO KNOW FOR SURE. YOU TELL US TO DO SOMETHING, AND IF WE LISTEN, YOU ARE MASTER! YES! YES! GOOD MASTER!" Alpha finished hopefully. She began wagging her tail again in anticipation.

  Gitch found this to be a bit too simple, but he supposed that was just the logic of the game. He gave an order for all of the wolves to scour the cave and bring out anything of interest. To his delight, they each ran forward into the cave.

  "Oh yeah!" he shouted while throwing a fist in the air. It worked! He was anticipating some high value goodies Kraznik was sure to have hidden from him. He began pacing as he waited for the wolves to complete their search. They returned quickly enough, each carrying something in their mouths. He flew over to them in a flash but was underwhelmed by what he saw.

  The wolves had brought back objects of interest all right. Each had at least one rock in their mouth as they trotted on up to Dwik, dropping their treasure at his feet. When it came to fetch, Dwik was king.